Lazy Giant #30: More importantly, who's hot?
We all love sports for many reasons, but one of them is straight up looks.
We all know that professional athletes are a part of the 0.1% of humans who can accomplish remarkable feats with their bodies and minds.
It is well documented by society at large that what may be impossible to most of us isn’t for them.
A ball can be placed in a specific, perfect spot from many yards (or feet) away. Coaches create game plans and find edges in the game they teach, whether through motivating their own players or coming up with a meticulous scheme.
But, what I have wanted to dig into is the attractiveness of some of these athletes. In the same way that they are undeniably top-tier athletes, several of them are also top-tier in the looks department.
This started out as a fun exercise with Abby. I planned to show her a few of the quarterbacks from the NFL and have her choose her favorite. But then an opportunity presented itself as we were away in Memphis, TN this weekend.
As we were relishing in the fun vibes of our long weekend stay with our good friends Avery and Hannah, I thought maybe they could chip in with their thoughts as well. They’re friends with Abby and I, so clearly they have great taste (insert your genuine laughter here).
I had Abby, Avery, and Hannah judge the following athletes by screen shots I made with careful cropping. I found NFL quarterbacks, running backs, NFL players at large, and even some NBA players. It was quite the path to get to the championship round, so let’s get to it!
Quarterbacks
Contestants: Joe Burrow, Aaron Rodgers, Jordan Love, Matt Stafford, Kirk Cousins, Russell Wilson, Kenny Pickett, Josh Allen, Trevor Lawrence, Patrick Mahomes, Anthony Richardson, Justin Herbert, Jared Goff, Brock Purdy, CJ Stroud, and Jalen Hurts.
A solid crop, right here. This group I made sure were all starters.
Winners: Between the 17 selected, the group was slowly whittled down after three rounds to get to the big three. My intention was to find who was number one, but we ended up with Abby choosing Joe Burrow (left), Avery choosing Bryce Young (middle), and Hannah choosing Jalen Hurts (right).
Not bad looking men, I must say. But, none were my preferred choice, and I let them know.
Biggest snub: Josh Allen to me was a sure bet to make the top 5, but my guy got cut in the FIRST ROUND. I wouldn’t describe him as “drop-dead gorgeous,” but he is an everyman.
Honorable mention(s): Trevor Lawrence definitely has the best hair. He has a feminine look to him but that’s OK. He actually found a woman who looks exactly like him. Russell Wilson getting left out early on was also a shocker.
Best diss: “He’s giving… old.” – Hannah
NFL Players At-Large
Contestants: Harrison Butker, Nick Bosa, Von Miller, Christian McCaffrey, Jimmy Garoppolo, Stefon Diggs, Kevin Byard, Mark Andrews, and Travis Kelce.
WHAT A CROP.
This one was simply who came to mind for me and also a little Googling of attractive NFL players. Position didn’t matter, as long as they are currently in the league.
Winners: As a smaller group overall with only nine contestants, they were again whittled down to three remainders. Abby chose Jimmy Garoppolo (left), Avery chose Kevin Byard (right), and Hannah chose Stefon Diggs (middle).
Biggest snub: Honestly, thought Christian McCaffrey was going all the way to the top of the mountain in this round. He’s right between Jimmy G and Stefon Diggs in the collage.
Genuinely shocked, I showed the girls the screen with mouth open. Again, this is all subjective, but I don’t see how this man doesn’t get chosen. Oh well.
Honorable mention(s): Harrison Butker (top left corner) and Travis Kelce (bottom right corner) made some good impressions, but came up just short. Those two happen to play for the same team and notably they’ve won two Super Bowls. Coincidence? I’m not so sure.
Best diss: “He looks too blocky.” – Abby
Running Backs
Contestants: Nick Chubb, Derrick Henry, Saquon Barkley, Isaiah Pacheco, Jonathan Taylor, Austin Ekeler, Najee Harris, Josh Jacobs, Travis Etienne, Nyheim Hines.
Once again, some good looking guys. This is an underrated group, in my opinion. Running backs in the NFL may be undervalued right now, but they are clearly making their case in the looks department.
Saquon (very bottom left), Josh Jacobs (top middle, black jersey) should’ve made it farther. I’m almost certain they made it past the first round, but couldn’t hang in the second round.
Winners: The winners ended up being Isaiah Pacheco (middle left), chosen by Hannah, and Nyheim Hines (right), chosen by Avery and Abby. We finally have a round where two people agree on one! Which I’m more than fine with since he’s a former Colt.
Biggest snub: It has to be Josh Jacobs. Look at that man.
Honorable mention(s): Austin Ekeler (middle bottom, bald lol) is not too shabby. While he doesn’t have a full head of hair, he compensates with the sharp jawline.
No disses on this one. At least that I can remember.
Let’s mix it up: NBA Players!
Contestants: Steph Curry, D’Angelo Russell, Ricky Rubio, Ja Morrant, Chris Paul, Blake Griffin, JJ Reddick, Draymond Green, Kevin Love, Klay Thompson.
The NBA did not fair as well as I thought it would. Not bad looking gentlemen, but I think the NFL has the NBA’s number in this category. I mean the NFL is more entertaining so let’s just say hotter men play football (no, I don’t mean soccer).
Winners: For some reason Ja Morrant (Grizzlies jersey) was selected by Avery, and Ricky Rubio (bottom left corner) was selected by Abby and Hannah. I’m down with that choice.
But Morrant being picked is a homer, biased selection. Sorry, Avery. If he’s not a Memphis Grizzly he doesn’t win. I think my sub-conscious was working against him actually because I forgot to include him in the final bracket. Oops.
Biggest snub: It’s Chris Paul for me. From the state farm commercials, he seems like he’s got some charm, and you can’t tell me that isn’t a $1,000,000 smile.
My boy got cut loose in the first round. Ouch.
Honorable mention(s): JJ Reddick made some noise, as well as Kevin Love. It came down to the wire between Love and Rubio for Abby. In the end, after Abby looked up more pictures of Love, he got the boot.
Best diss: “He’d be good if he cleaned up those eyebrows.” – Avery
Championship Round 🏆
The best of the best. It’s time to see who wins in this elite-eight March Madness style bracket. I made another mistake as you’ll see below, but this tournament was done ON THE FLY people. I try my best.
Now the contestants are placed in a 1v1 round where the gals will cast their vote to see who moves on. Let’s get to it.
Bryce Young vs Nyheim Hines
Mm. Two good looking men here. Let’s see how the votes shook out.
Hines: Avery, Abby
Young: Hannah
You’re a rookie, Bryce. You have time to grow. It’s Nyheim’s time.
Joe Burrow vs Ricky Rubio
Spoiler alert, it’s a landslide victory.
Burrow: All three
Ricky: Big fat zero
This one I did not see coming. Joe is very handsome, but depending on which Ricky Rubio photo you find, he’s got the nice hair flow.
Stefon Diggs vs Kevin Byard
Another sweeeeep!
Diggs: NONE
Byard: All three
Tough luck, Diggs. This was a pretty even match up, but I guess Byard is easier on the eyes.
Isaiah Pacheco vs Jimmy Garoppolo
Alright, this one at least was more split than the past two rounds.
Isaiah: Avery, Hannah
Jimmy: Abby
Extra round: Isaiah Pacheco vs Jalen Hurts
Jalen is simply too good. Sorry, Isaiah.
Isaiah: NONE
Jalen: All three
FINAL FOUR
Kevin Byard vs Jalen Hurts
Truly just good on good here. Let’s take a second to admire.
…
OK, time to get down to business. No more sweeps from here on out.
Kevin: Avery
Jalen: Abby, Hannah
Joe Burrow vs Nyheim Hines
QB vs RB. My money’s on the “boy-ish look in a man” guy on the left.
Burrow: Abby, Hannah
Nyheim: Avery
Sorry, Nyheim.
CHAMPIONSHIP 🏆
It’s come down to this, ladies and gents. Basically, what you’re telling me is that I could have stuck with the QBs from the beginning? Oh well. That would’ve taken the fun out of it.
Congrats to our elite eight and final four contestants. You truly are all great looking guys. But, at the end of the day, only one goes home happy.
Joe: Abby
Jalen: Hannah, Avery
CONGRATS TO JALEN HURTS!!! You may have just gone to the Super Bowl and lost but at least you were crowned the hottest man in sports. According to three people given a limited list, but still. I’d put him up against anyone.
A worthy winner.
Tweets of Fame
That’s all she wrote. Enjoy the long weekend ☀️